As a parent, you feel the weight of everyday pressures mounting daily. Caretaking responsibilities, managing a household, working outside of the home, grocery trips, deadlines, tasks and endless items on the to-do list. When you’re feeling maxed out or burnt out, it’s easy to lose your cool when your children make a “mistake”, test a boundary or are in full-on meltdown mode. You may not mean to do it but before you know it you are yelling and correcting their actions with force or aggression. You may sternly tell them “no!” or begin rattling off all the things that could’ve gone wrong.
The Unintended Side Effects of Negative Reinforcement
This is a common response parents have (especially if you’re tired and stressed) but it’s also a response worth examining. Here is what happens in a child or teen’s brain when you automatically begin yelling or disciplining with anger or frustration:
- The child’s brain is confronted with something that appears threatening (yelling, criticizing, shaming, attacking) and it immediately shifts into defensive mode in order to protect itself from the threat.
- When a brain enters protective mode, it no longer can easily access the problem-solving, empathy, and reasoning parts of the brain. Protective mode is not helpful in helping your child to grow, learn and make healthier choices.
Turning Correction into Connection
Instead, when we engage in connective experiences first and foremost, something changes. Connective attempts may look like:
- Pausing to ask questions in an attempt to understand where they were truly their intention instead of assuming we know the intention
- Hugging them and emphasize that our love for them never changes
- Stating or reflecting the feelings we’re noticing in them
- Validating their experience
- Separating who they are from their choices
When we pause and make a choice to connect before correcting them, we allow for a richer experience for their brain in addition to the relationship you share together. Here are just some of the benefits of connection before correction:
- You’re creating a sense of emotional safety in your relationship with them. Emotional safety helps them to trust you and come to you when something is wrong in their life.
- They are more likely to feel understood, therefore more likely to make behavior changes without becoming defensive and arguing.
- They create a positive self image that is not dependent on good or poor choices which results in much higher self-esteem and resiliency.
- They learn how to regulate their emotions. They are less likely to be overwhelmed by bigger emotions, less likely to shut down or avoid and more likely to have awareness of their own nervous system.
- Connection allows activity in the parts of the brain that are in charge of reflection, responsibility, empathy, problem solving and memory. These are all essential in being able to grow from choices which is ultimately what every parent wants for their children.
Find More Closeness with Your Child
So the next time you find yourself feeling agitated, astonished, disappointed, or upset by something your child has done, take a second to remind yourself that while yelling and correcting them may feel easier in the moment, a few minutes of connection will provide much better results for your child, for you and the relationship you share with them. Taking the time to connect with your child will help increase your child’s sense of safety, respect, willingness to listen and admiration. And these are qualities in the relationship that can last a lifetime, not just for this particular stage your child is in right now.
If you would like to learn more about how to implement these techniques as a parent or even in the relationship you have with yourself, or if you’re interested in child therapy to support your child, please use the contact button below. I would be happy to help!